HOME TOWN

I was born in Los Angeles county, I spent about eleven years in the area. I have lived in: Burbank, Glendale, North Hollywood, Sun Valley, and Tujunga, Just to name a few. I haven't spent much time there in the last thirty years. So I will be speaking from, quite clear childhood memories. Not of cities: over crowded, too expensive, and of rudeness and violence. Descriptions I hear so much of, these days, about my home town.
In the past, I have written about my love of old houses and such. Los Angeles is definitely not lacking older dwellings, buildings, parks, In and out door exhibits, just to name a few. Even the cemeteries were a great place too go and explore.(although maybe I get that from my mother) There was just so much character hidden all the nook and crannies.of L.A.. Of course It didn't hurt having a mother with a sense of adventure, or maybe I mean no sense at all.She found all kinds of cool hideaways, she would always point out all the intricate details, and the uniqueness of it all. We would sneak in old churches, at least she made me feel as though we were sneaking, of all denominations. Being in those old structures left me in awe. My mother had found ways into the fenced off areas of the L.A. river,or extensions there of. For all I know it could have been the L.A. sewer, I just know it was fun.There were many other people who snuck in too. There were fifty ft. slopes covered in moss, that you could slide down. We'd have to climb back up, holding the rope tied at the top, I'd pull myself up, all the while trying to keep my balance on the moss. So coming up the slope was almost scarier the going down. As a child it was a grand place to live, back in the day. Being such a large place with so much historic value and so much to do. Back then it was so nice that people looked out for each other. When I was about six or seven: I could walk to school and back,go tho the park unattended, or to the store. I'd visit the local bowling alley, where my grandmother used to bowl every week, slipping into the bar where the bartender would always hand me a Shirley Temple.
Los Angeles was good to me, in my youth. If I could I would probably want to change it back to the way it was. we'd like to do that with many things. But life goes on, things shift and change for reasons unknown to us. I'll just keep my memories intact,and smile.

READING REACTION REAL REWARDS

But how??

Television gives the "public" what they want. If there wasn't a demand for all the fake B. S., we would not be consumed by it. We have become overwhelmed by meaningless, superficial barf. Not to say I can't enjoy a good movie, a fine acting job, or a well written story. Never the less, enough already; indeed, acting can be hard work and take talent. But seriously they get paid millions of dollars a movie, how absurd. I can't believe the public really cares; what their wearing, who their with,on and on."Who cares," It has gotten to were I can hardly turn the television on at all.
The sad thing is they only give us "the public" what we want, what sales. What a shame because I would rather hear about the true stories,of police officers, firefighters, and doctors. Its sad that the majority of the public that buy into that crapola, have set the standards for generations to come. I guess shallowness and unrealism are the life styles to come. Apparently they are the majority, How sad....

SERVICE OF ONES OWN FREE WILL

I would like to volunteer for Hospice. Hospice is an organization that cares for individuals that are preparing for death. It is not easy to guess when someone while pass away, even people educated in the field have a hard time; Infact there are people who have been on and off hospice several times. The body just naturally wants to live in most cases. Hospice and there many employees and volunteers tend to client needs in many ways. They help medically, physically, and emotionally. they make sure they have appropriate medications, they try to keep their pain levels null or to a minim, and make them as comfortable possible. Hospice personnel bathe clients, for they are usually very fragile. They arrange for pressure relieving devices to help their injury sensitive body's. They talk with the clients to find out their beliefs, and what brings them enjoyment,or just something they were not able to get done. Then if possible they try to provide those thing for them.
I think I would be good at this, for I have years of experience working with the elderly. I have been there several times for people in their last days of life. I am able to handle being around someone dying and it brings me pleasure to give someone a smile or some sort of comfort in their last days. Unless your fortunate enough to die quietly and unsuspectingly in your sleep. Often times death towards the end seems to be some sort of battle whether it be the body,mind or soul we just want to hang on. This is why sometimes its just so hard for families.
I believe this would be a good area to volunteer.I am compationate and I can do what needs to be done with out getting too emotional. I seem to save that until its all over. While I am caring for someone, I seem to have tunnel vision. My main concern is them, I talk to them whether they can respond or not, and make them as comfortable as possible. So as a volunteer or even a job, I think I'd be a great asset to help those in need at Hospice.

FEARS COME IN MANY FORMS

I have a fear of love, giving, and receiving. Just intimacy in general with close friends,or lovers. I have always been extremely fearful of getting hurt. I would either not let love happen at all, or I would break it off early. Somehow I would be mean or do something intentional, to make them stop wanting to be around me. As I write this, I think how terribly selfish. It seems our fears can be are greatest enemies. The very thing we think we are protecting ourselves from can hurt us the most. I was so concerned with my pain or disappointment; I had no regard for others feelings. I did not intend to be so cruel, but protecting myself from emotional harm was my #1 priority. Emotional harm was abundant when I was a child. Something big must have happened in order for me to have created such a protective barrier, and for so long. What I was doing was keeping at a distance all the things I truly needed.
When I did let a man into my life, it had to be on my terms and my terms only. They could never be in charge, nor were they allowed to help me too much. For then it might appear that I needed them. They had no say over my sons, nor were they allowed to spend much time together. Heaven forbid I allow my children to become attached, for I knew it would not last, how very sad for my children. It makes me cry even as I write this, again, how selfish. Its one thing to harm yourself. I believe once you recognise these things it only makes you stronger. When it comes to your children; in fact, it rips your heart out. You can never say your sorry enough or fix it and make it better. One can only hope that they "get it" sooner then we did. And that they love you regardless. The one thing my children have taught me is unconditional love. After years and years of ( love?) with conditions. There certainly are none with them for they are the loves of my life.
What am I doing to deal with my fear? That is not an easy question to answer. Just acknowledging it is a great first step. Its no solution, but ya have to start somewhere. I've been conditioning myself this way for years, I'm not so sure I know how to let go. I'm not sure how to bond with women, let alone meeting or talking to men. I just know that I'm working hard,staying with the same job. I'm going to college to expand my horizons . Taking and getting to know more and different people. I just keep trying to improve myself, and become self assured. Hopefully my higher power permitting will slowly let love and intimacy back into my life.

REMEMBERED

I'm sorry to say by many I'm not fondly remembered. I've lived a rough and selfish life,for I was raised by rough and selfish people. We know, what we are thought. Some people " get it " sooner and others just keep going with it. Passing their dysfunctions on to their children. I feel I have been paying my karmic debt for years; however, I believe my karma is finally evolving. I believe this shift has allowed me to be more who I was truly meant to be.
Now that my path is changing. Its nice to picture my path as a long country road, covered in flower peddles and lined with fruit bearing trees. The gifts that this new path has brought has allowed me to be kinder to my self and others. A more giving person who loves to make people laugh. It makes me feel good to go out of my way to help someone else. Like so many have done for me. The giving of ones time and energy is such a gift to give. Laughter thats the real winner; there is nothing better for the mind and body then a good laugh. Although sanity and good health are always a plus, other then that laughter helps heal the mind, body,and soul. It just feels good!
When I work, with the elderly, I'm constantly complimented on my smile. They say that it makes them smile too. It really makes me feel good to have a contagious smile.
So, I'd like to be remembered by just a few simple things: my smile, my laughter, my kindness. What more could a person ask for.