FEARS COME IN MANY FORMS

I have a fear of love, giving, and receiving. Just intimacy in general with close friends,or lovers. I have always been extremely fearful of getting hurt. I would either not let love happen at all, or I would break it off early. Somehow I would be mean or do something intentional, to make them stop wanting to be around me. As I write this, I think how terribly selfish. It seems our fears can be are greatest enemies. The very thing we think we are protecting ourselves from can hurt us the most. I was so concerned with my pain or disappointment; I had no regard for others feelings. I did not intend to be so cruel, but protecting myself from emotional harm was my #1 priority. Emotional harm was abundant when I was a child. Something big must have happened in order for me to have created such a protective barrier, and for so long. What I was doing was keeping at a distance all the things I truly needed.
When I did let a man into my life, it had to be on my terms and my terms only. They could never be in charge, nor were they allowed to help me too much. For then it might appear that I needed them. They had no say over my sons, nor were they allowed to spend much time together. Heaven forbid I allow my children to become attached, for I knew it would not last, how very sad for my children. It makes me cry even as I write this, again, how selfish. Its one thing to harm yourself. I believe once you recognise these things it only makes you stronger. When it comes to your children; in fact, it rips your heart out. You can never say your sorry enough or fix it and make it better. One can only hope that they "get it" sooner then we did. And that they love you regardless. The one thing my children have taught me is unconditional love. After years and years of ( love?) with conditions. There certainly are none with them for they are the loves of my life.
What am I doing to deal with my fear? That is not an easy question to answer. Just acknowledging it is a great first step. Its no solution, but ya have to start somewhere. I've been conditioning myself this way for years, I'm not so sure I know how to let go. I'm not sure how to bond with women, let alone meeting or talking to men. I just know that I'm working hard,staying with the same job. I'm going to college to expand my horizons . Taking and getting to know more and different people. I just keep trying to improve myself, and become self assured. Hopefully my higher power permitting will slowly let love and intimacy back into my life.